I've always loved story time

Manual
the way things were meant to be-
fine writing brought to you by the people who meant it, wrote it, loved it, and then gave it to you so you could read in the tub;
made possible by Adobe and the printer in your workplace.

my favorite so far (and I haven't read the whole thing yet) is entitled "How to Be Igor," by Tobias Seamon. With his gracious permission (yet to actually be obtained, she said, red-faced), I shall share some of it with you here:

7. How to Stay Out of Atrocity's Way

Keep busy. Shed the drenched butler's suit and keep climbing. Slither and snatch at chimneys, gutters and the swirling wind itself as you set the kites aloft. Cling to every crack in the slate. Don't look up or the rain will pelt your eyes. Don't look down.
Become philosophical. Once the kites are up, keys jangling invisibly in the violent night, shelter inside the belltower. There, shiver, clutch, feel sorry for yourself, and ponder the matter. Will the storm knock the silks from the skies before the lightning strikes? Will the whole castle burn to the ground? How much money can be scrounged in less than an hour? What is the quickest, most secretive way out of town?

8. When to Stop Being Philosophical

Philosophy is rational and does not encompass all that is real; order is obliviated by pain and abomination. With this limit upon you, when is philosophy impossible?
When all thoughts coalesce into a single, decisive need: to get the hell out.

it continues there.
go, now, read more of Tobias Seamon's fine writing.
(here's a google search to assist you.)
and read the rest of Manual.
I'll print it out for you.
all this self-publishing makes me weepy. I'm going to bed.